i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
