we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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