On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
