mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
