we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
