Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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