Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
