Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
