Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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