even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
