I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
