I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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