WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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