Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
