I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
