My liver just broke up with me...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
