She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
