Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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