Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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