i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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