goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
