you didnt know i had herpes?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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