Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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