I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
