We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
