I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
