Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We are all done wearing pants today
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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