I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
