Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
