Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
