around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
