I am spending my child support on dildos
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
