I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
