your parents love me but you hate me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
