Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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