what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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