I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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