I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
