I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize