The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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