A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
