I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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