nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
