??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
