Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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