I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
