Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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