The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
