You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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