I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
