My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm too high and old for this...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
