Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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